Coercive control is one of the most insidious forms of abuse, often leaving those affected questioning their own reality. It’s not about one-off arguments or disagreements but rather a sustained pattern of behaviours designed to undermine your independence, confidence, and sense of self.
Recognising coercive control is the first step towards breaking free and reclaiming your autonomy.
This guide covers coercive control—everything you need to know to recognise it, understand its impact, and take steps toward safety and recovery.
What the Law Says about Coercive Control
Coercive control is illegal in the UK when it involves repeated or continuous behaviours that:
- Cause serious fear, alarm, or distress.
- Isolate the victim from support systems.
- Deprive the victim of independence or control over their daily life.
This form of abuse is now recognised as a criminal offence in the UK under the Serious Crime Act 2015, which highlights its damaging effects on victims’ mental and emotional well-being.
The law recognises the profound impact coercive control can have, and understanding your rights is an important step towards breaking free.
In England and Wales (excluding Devon and Cornwall), police recorded 43,774 incidents of coercive control in the year ending March 2023. This marks a steady rise from 41,626 cases in 2022 and 33,954 in 2021, highlighting an ongoing increase in reported cases (ONS, 2023a).
During the same period, there were 811 court proceedings involving controlling or coercive behaviour as the primary offence, leading to 566 convictions. The overwhelming majority of those convicted—97.7% (553 out of 566)—were men (ONS, 2023b). While the official statistics do not specify the victims’ genders, other studies strongly indicate that most victims are women.
Analysis of Coercive Control Data in the UK
For example, an analysis of data from the Crime Survey for England and Wales found that women are significantly more likely than men to experience coercive control involving persistent degradation and threats. Among victims of intimate partner violence who reported just one abusive relationship since the age of 16, approximately 30% of women’s experiences could be classified as coercive control, compared to only 6% of men’s experiences (Myhill, 2015).
A study of domestic abuse cases in Merseyside further supports these findings, revealing that 95% of coercive control victims were women, while 74% of perpetrators were men. Most cases (76%) occurred within intimate partner relationships. The abusive behaviours identified included technology-based control (such as phone tracking and excessive messaging), social isolation, sexual coercion, financial abuse, threats, deprivation of support, and physical violence. Alarmingly, 63% of these cases involved reports of physical violence (Barlow et al., 2018).
Understanding Coercive Control in Relationships
Coercive control refers to a deliberate strategy of manipulation and domination. It’s often subtle and hidden behind a mask of care or concern, making it difficult to spot, even for the person experiencing it.
Specific Examples of Coercive Control
Coercive control can show up in many ways, often disguised as “love,” “concern,” or “help.” Here are some detailed examples that may resonate:
- Financial Control:
- You are given a strict “budget” and required to account for every penny you spend, even on essentials like food.
- Your partner insists on holding all the bank cards or denies you access to shared accounts.
- You are discouraged or outright forbidden from working, leaving you financially dependent on them.
- Isolation from Loved Ones:
- They criticise your friends or family, calling them “toxic” or “bad influences” until you stop seeing them.
- They create arguments before or after you meet someone important to you, making socialising feel like more trouble than it’s worth.
- You are told they’re the only person you can trust, subtly cutting off your support system.
- Micromanaging Your Life:
- They tell you what to wear, criticising your clothing as “inappropriate” or “too revealing.”
- They dictate how you spend your time, insisting you text or call constantly to check-in.
- They question or criticise even small decisions, like what you eat or how you arrange the house.
- Gaslighting:
- They deny things you know they said or did, leaving you doubting your memory.
- You’re told you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting” whenever you express hurt or concern.
- They twist events to make you feel responsible for their behaviour, saying, “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have reacted this way.”
- Monitoring and Surveillance:
- They check your phone, emails, or social media accounts without permission, often framing it as a concern for your safety.
- They use GPS tracking on your phone or car to know where you are at all times.
- They demand to know your schedule down to the minute and interrogate you if you’re late.
- Creating Fear and Dependency:
- They make veiled threats, such as, “You’ll regret it if you ever leave me,” or imply they’ll harm themselves if you try to end the relationship.
- They tell you no one else would want you, making you feel stuck.
- They destroy things you value—your phone, sentimental items, or even pets—as a way to punish or control you.
These examples often build up over time, making it harder to see the full picture until the damage is already done.
Coercive Control: Everything You Need to Know About Its Emotional Impact
Victims of coercive control often describe a constant feeling of walking on eggshells and PTS symptoms. You might feel:
- Confused: Unsure if you are overreacting or imagining the abuse
A hallmark of coercive control is the use of manipulation and gaslighting to destabilise the victim’s sense of reality. You may question your perceptions and wonder if you’re exaggerating or misinterpreting events. This confusion mirrors the intrusive thoughts and self-doubt often experienced by individuals with PTSD, where they replay situations in their minds, trying to make sense of what happened. Over time, this mental fog can erode your confidence, making it difficult to trust your instincts or make decisions, leaving you emotionally paralysed. - Isolated: Cut off from friends, family, and support networks
Isolation is a deliberate tactic used by abusers to increase control. By severing your connections to supportive people and communities, they make it harder for you to seek help or gain perspective on your situation. This enforced loneliness parallels the social withdrawal common in PTSD, where individuals may feel disconnected from others or struggle to maintain relationships due to feelings of shame or fear. Over time, the lack of external validation can deepen feelings of despair and reinforce the abuser’s narrative that no one else cares or understands. - Helpless: Like no matter what you do, it’s never enough to please them
Coercive control thrives on creating a dynamic where the victim feels perpetually inadequate. No matter how hard you try to meet the abuser’s shifting demands, the goalposts always move. This mirrors the learned helplessness seen in PTSD, where individuals feel powerless to change their circumstances after repeated failures or trauma. This sense of helplessness can sap your motivation, making you feel trapped in a cycle of compliance and criticism that seems impossible to escape. - Exhausted: Drained from constantly managing their emotions or avoiding conflict
Living with coercive control often means being hyper-vigilant, constantly monitoring the abuser’s moods, body language, and tone of voice to anticipate potential conflict. This parallels the heightened state of alertness seen in PTSD, where individuals remain on edge, scanning for threats even in safe environments. The mental and emotional labour required to maintain peace in the relationship can lead to chronic exhaustion, both physically and psychologically, leaving you feeling depleted and unable to focus on your own needs. - Trapped: Feeling there’s no way out without things getting worse
Abusers often create a sense of entrapment by instilling fear of the consequences of leaving—whether through threats of retaliation, financial dependency, or emotional blackmail. This mirrors the feelings of entrapment seen in PTSD, where individuals may feel stuck in a state of fear and hopelessness, unable to see a way forward. The fear of making the wrong move or triggering further abuse keeps you in a state of paralysis, reinforcing the sense that escape is impossible.
How the effects of Coercive Control Mirror PTSD
The emotional toll of coercive control often leaves victims exhibiting symptoms strikingly similar to PTSD. Hyper-vigilance, emotional numbing, avoidance, and a pervasive sense of fear are all shared experiences.
As a result the psychological wounds inflicted by ongoing coercion and control don’t just harm the victim’s mental health in the present—they can leave lasting scars that require significant time, support, and specialised care to address.
Therefore, by recognising these parallels, we can better understand the deep and complex impact coercive control has on its victims, validating their experiences and guiding them toward recovery.
How to Take Action
If you suspect you’re experiencing coercive control, it’s vital to take steps to protect yourself:
- Recognise the Patterns: Understand that the behaviour is deliberate and designed to control you.
- Document the Abuse: Keep a record of incidents, messages, or other evidence.
- Reach Out for Support: Speak to trusted friends, family, or professionals. Organisations like Women’s Aid or Refuge can provide advice and practical help.
- Consult a Family Lawyer: They can guide you through your legal rights, especially if you’re going through a divorce or separation.
- Seek Emotional Support: Therapy can help you rebuild your confidence and navigate the challenges of leaving an abusive relationship.
You Are Not Alone
Coercive control is isolating by design, but you don’t have to face it alone. Whether you are seeking information, support, or guidance, help is available.
I specialise in supporting individuals recovering from coercive control and emotional abuse, helping them regain their sense of self and rebuild their lives with compassion and expertise.
For a confidential conversation, please reach out:
Kate Munden
Trauma & Emotional Abuse Specialist
Email: info@katemunden.com
When it comes to coercive control, everything you need to know is that it’s not your fault—and there is support available. Freedom is possible, and it begins with recognising that you deserve so much more.
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