Covert narcissists have a pernicious form of narcissistic behaviour that is often difficult to identify due to its subtlety. Unlike the more overt narcissist, who may be grandiose and openly manipulative, the covert narcissist operates in more insidious ways. Understanding their tactics is crucial for recognising and protecting oneself from their harmful behaviours. Two common strategies used by covert narcissists are punishing and minimising.
Punishing
Covert narcissists often employ passive-aggressive tactics to punish those who do not conform to their expectations.
These methods can be emotionally draining and leave the victim feeling confused and unsupported. Here are some common ways covert narcissists punish their victims:
1. Silent Treatment: A covert narcissist might give you the silent treatment, acting as if they didn’t hear you or becoming distant when you seek connection. This withdrawal starves you of attention and affection, leaving you feeling isolated and neglected.
2. Inconvenience and Disruption: They might deliberately inconvenience you by disrupting your daily life. This could include hiding assets or controlling finances to restrict your spending. They may also leave you to handle everything alone after a breakup, such as taking care of children, managing household tasks, and dealing with financial responsibilities.
3. “Forgetting” Tasks: Covert narcissists often “forget” to complete tasks you asked them to do, forcing you to take on the extra burden. These actions are typically followed by insincere apologies meant to appease you.
4. Withholding Care: When you are sick or in need of care, a covert narcissist may become more distant and angry, subtly punishing you during your vulnerable moments. For example, Rebecca’s dad would become moody and irritable whenever she was ill, making her feel as if her sickness was an inconvenience to him.
5. Emotional Manipulation: They may confront you about your perceived shortcomings during critical moments. For instance, Susan’s husband, Harry, confronted her about her “bad behaviour” right after she had surgery, while she was still under the effects of anaesthesia. This added stress and confusion to her already painful and vulnerable state.
6. Mood Manipulation: Covert narcissists can spoil joyful occasions by being irritable and uncooperative, such as sulking during a concert you were excited to attend. This behaviour sours your experience and shifts the focus onto their negative emotions. For example, the evening before ‘Tanya’s’ big 40th birthday party, her partner went out with his friends and stayed out all night. On the day of the party, he was hungover, and he barely participated in her special celebration.
7. Withholding Praise and Attention: They might not compliment you when you make an effort, invalidate your feelings, or fail to defend you when others mistreat you. This withholding of positive reinforcement can erode your self-esteem over time.
8. Smearing and Alienation: Covert narcissists may smear your name to others, try to turn your children against you, offer subtle putdowns, and use your vulnerabilities against you. This consistent mistreatment can break down your spirit and make you doubt your worth, eventually leading you to believe that you don’t deserve any better.
Minimising
Minimising is another tactic used by covert narcissists to invalidate your experiences and feelings. By downplaying your emotions and rationalising their behaviour, they make you question your reality and self-worth.
Denial and Rationalisation
Dr. George K. Simon, Jr. describes this manipulation tactic in his book, *In Sheep’s Clothing*:
“This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalisation. When using this manoeuvre, the aggressor is attempting to assert that his behaviour isn’t really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming.”
Doubt and Self-Blame
Victims often wonder if they are overreacting or if they are to blame for the narcissist’s behaviour. This self-doubt is a result of the narcissist’s manipulation. Women, in particular, may question whether leaving a narcissistic partner was a mistake or if they were the ones at fault.
Using Doubts Against You
Covert narcissists will use your insecurities against you, accusing you of being overly dramatic, too sensitive, or unwilling to take responsibility for yourself. They aim to make you feel guilty and question your perception of the situation.
Trusting Yourself
The most important thing to remember is that your feelings are valid. Your pain is real, and recognising this is the first step towards healing. Trust your instincts—if something feels off, it probably is.
Understanding these tactics is crucial in recognising and defending yourself against covert narcissistic abuse. If you find yourself experiencing these behaviours, seek support from trusted friends, family, or a professional therapist who can help you navigate and recover from the effects of covert narcissism.
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