The Journey Back to You
Narcissistic abuse leaves wounds that don’t show on the surface, but they feel heavy and run deep. It strips you of your sense of self, leaves you questioning your own worth, and makes you feel like a stranger in your own life.
The confusion, the self-doubt, the exhaustion—it’s all real. And if you’re feeling lost right now, please know this: you are not broken, and you are not alone.
I’ve been there, standing in the wreckage, wondering who I even was anymore. I’ve sat with so many others who have walked this path, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that healing and growth are possible. Not only that, but you can emerge from this stronger, wiser, and more you than you’ve ever been before.
This guide covers coercive control — some things you need to know to recognise it, understand its impact, and take steps toward safety and recovery.
Why Narcissistic Abuse Steals Your Identity
When you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist—whether it’s a partner, parent, or even a friend—you slowly lose yourself. Not all at once. It happens in tiny, almost imperceptible ways. You start doubting your gut instincts, adjusting your behaviour to keep the peace, giving more and more of yourself to someone who only, ever takes. Over time, your own voice, and your deep inner knowing, becomes so faint you can barely hear it anymore.
Here’s how it happens:
- Gaslighting makes you question your own reality – When you’re told, “That never happened,” or “You’re too sensitive,” over and over again, you start to believe it.
- You become conditioned to please – You’ve learned that your needs, emotions, and boundaries don’t matter. Keeping the narcissist happy became your survival mechanism.
- You shrink to avoid punishment – Whether it was silent treatment, rage, or guilt-tripping, you learned that the safest thing to do was to make yourself small.
- Your joys and passions were mocked – The things that made you you were belittled or dismissed until you stopped doing them altogether.
- You’ve been made to believe you’re the problem – They blamed you for their behaviour, making you feel unworthy, difficult, or even crazy.
And now, on the other side, you’re left wondering: Who am I, if I’m not the person they made me into?
Some Ideas to Start Rebuilding
1. Give Yourself Permission to Exist Again
It might sound strange, but one of the hardest parts of recovery is allowing yourself to take up space again. You’ve spent so long walking on eggshells, minimising your needs, and moulding yourself to fit someone else’s version of you. That stops now.
- You are allowed to have needs.
- You are allowed to have boundaries.
- You are allowed to exist exactly as you are.
2. Reconnect with the Person You Used to Be
Who were you before the abuse? What did you love? What made you feel alive? If it’s hard to remember, start small:
- Dig up old photos, journals, or playlists from before the relationship.
- Think about the books, music, or hobbies you used to love.
- Reconnect with people who knew you before and can remind you of who you were.
- Perhaps write a list of the things that you are good at doing.
- This may seem a challenge at first, but start small.
- Maybe you are a good listener, dancer or cook a great roast dinner.
- Grow the positive narrative about WHO you are.
If you can’t remember or feel like you never really knew yourself, that’s okay too. That leads to the next step.
Explore Who You Are Now: Rebuilding from the Inside Out
Many survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle with a sense of emptiness once they leave. The question “Who am I, if I’m not the person they told me to be?” can feel overwhelming.
The truth is, this is your opportunity to rediscover yourself—not just who you were before, but who you want to become. Healing isn’t about going back; it’s about creating a life that finally feels like your own.
Here are some specific, practical ways to start reconnecting with yourself:
Get Back Into Your Body
Narcissistic abuse disconnects you from your own body. You’ve been in survival mode for so long—walking on eggshells, bracing for the next attack—that your nervous system has been on high alert for years. It’s time to rebuild the connection between your mind and body.
Yoga: Moving with Awareness
Yoga can be incredibly healing for survivors of abuse. It isn’t just about fitness— you are focusing inward and learning to feel safe in your own body again. Through slow, mindful movements in a yoga class you could start to:
- Reconnect with your breath and regulate your nervous system
- Gently feel emotions as they arise
- Feel strong and grounded again
If you’re not sure where to start, try trauma-sensitive yoga guided by an experienced professional.
TRE: Tension & Trauma Release Exercises
As a survivor of many years of covert abuse my personal experience was that TRE bought me profound gifts in a way that other modalities may not bring. Initially this included regular deeper, longer sleep which my system was crying out for and a deep sense of self-acceptance that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. To now teach this to others is one of the great joys of my life.
In simple terms TRE invites us to let our bodies do the talking, discharges cortisol and opens our autonomic nervous system up to access states of deep relaxation and restoration.
For more information about how to develop a safe TRE practice take a look HERE
Exercise: Reclaiming Strength and Power
Exercise is a powerful way to take your power back. Try:
- Strength training – Builds resilience and confidence.
- Running or walking – Its free! and symbolises forward movement in your healing journey. Often this can be done in nature, even if its your local part, this connection with the natural world often builds a sense of internal safety (see below).
- Dance or movement therapy – Neuroscience tells us that dance accesses the non verbal and non cognitive spaces within to activate self healing. This unlocks the power of our brains to translate emotion into motion.
Nature: A Safe Space for Healing
Nature reminds you that life moves forward, and so can you. Try:
- Forest bathing (Shinrin-yoku) – Walking slowly, breathing deeply, and absorbing nature’s beauty.
- Grounding (Earthing) – Walking barefoot on grass, sand, or soil.
- Spending time near water – Lakes, rivers, and the ocean calm the nervous system.
You Are Still in Here—Waiting to Be Found
I know this journey feels overwhelming. I know there are days when it feels like nothing will ever change. But I promise you—you are already changing.
Every time you choose yourself, even in the smallest way, you are breaking free.
Every time you say “no” to something that doesn’t serve you, you are rewriting your story.
Every time you honour your emotions, your needs, your dreams—you are coming home to yourself.
You may not see it yet, but you are already finding your way back. And this time, no one gets to take you away from yourself again. If you’re on the path to find yourself again after narcissistic abuse, remember it’s okay to take it one step at a time.
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