- Flowers after the silent treatment.
- Extravagant gifts after weeks of brutal insults.
- Crocodile tears after a rage attack.
- Sudden affection and intimacy after days of silence
All these examples highlight an emotional abuse strategy known as intermittent reinforcement. This tactic is used in a relationship as a manipulation and control tool by a narcissist to keep their victims bonded to them.
When we fall in love, we don’t want to lose it. We search most of our life looking for “our person” and when we feel we have found them we will do almost anything to keep that love going. This desire to make it work and not lose love is what covert narcissists will use to keep you tied to them.
They lure you in with intense promises of true love. When they have you convinced that ‘this is it’ they start to pull it away piece by piece. However, by then you are already deeply attached and we feel an intense fear of losing them and the deep connection that you thought you had. This is known as a trauma bond – when the happiness of finding love turns into fear of losing it, also known as a “manipulation shift”.
We are wired to become attached to the ones we love, and it is incredibly painful to lose this. The fear coupled with intense love bombing keeps us hooked and is at the heart of why people stay in toxic relationships. Emotional abusers and narcissists will use the abuse tactic known as intermittent reinforcement from a seemingly deep bond forged in the early days of the relationship alongside the natural fear of losing the ‘perfect partner’.
Intermittent reinforcement is a psychological concept that was coined by Psychologist B.F Skinner (1956). He discovered that behaviour is motivated by either reward or punishment. He found that there is a specific way that rewards can be doled out that causes a behaviour to persist over a longer period of time and are less vulnerable to extinction.
In his research, he used rats who were rewarded with food every time they pushed a lever (continuous reinforcement). After a while, they changed the experiment and the rats would be given the reward in an unpredictable pattern. Sometimes they would be given food by pushing the lever but other times they were not, it was completely random and there was no way to predict if there would be a reward or not.
As a result, the rats became obsessed with pushing the lever. They again changed the experiment and gave no rewards and yet the rats continued to push the lever while beginning to neglect their own needs. In other words, when we expect to always be rewarded after taking certain actions, we work less hard for it.
Yet when our rewards are not consistent and is instead unpredictable, we will work harder for the reward in hopes of receiving it, especially when we use to get rewarded but now don’t. This theory goes some way to explaining why people stay in unhealthy, toxic and abusive relationships.
How dopamine hooks us
When intermittent reinforcement is used in an abusive relationship. The reward is a ‘hit of Dopamine’ from the abuser’s moments of affection, expressions of remorse, and feelings of closeness and intimacy.. These are only given sporadically, and less and less throughout the abuse cycle. This causes victims to work harder at the relationship trying to, once again, get back to the comfort of the “honeymoon phase” of the cycle. This cycle mimics an addiction. One gets addicted to the breadcrumbs of emotional rewards in the relationship. Subsequently victims will do almost anything for them even at the risk of losing one’s safety, health and well-being.
You can also see intermittent reinforcement at play in casinos. Despite the low chances of winning at a slot machine, one continues to invest their money just for the small chance of winning big. Intermittent reinforcement can therefore lead to addiction problems. Fortunately gambling is regulated, relationships are not.
This system is also at play in drug addiction as one continues to chase the dragon, the feeling of euphoria that one rarely gets in the face of negative consequences.
Why can’t I leave the relationship? The Link Between Intermittent Reinforcement and Addiction
Many victims feel stuck and unable to leave toxic relationships. Intermittent reinforcement is linked to the reward circuits of the brain that are associated with addiction. The unpredictability of the abuse cycle is what causes one to become addicted and trauma bonded to their partner.
When pleasure is predictable in a relationship through “stable love” our brains get used to it and produce less dopamine over time. This is natural with a consistently kind and non-toxic partner. When there is chaos, manipulation and rejection from our partner, we produce more dopamine when we receive a ‘bread crumb’ of love. This causes us to become addicted to decreasing ‘minor morsels’ of kindness or affection. Brain scans show that the abuse cycle in a toxic relationship is similar to that of someone who has a cocaine addiction.
Dopamine is a powerful motivator and tells us to continue to seek out the reward. It is central to the feeling of love and connection. Dopamine is more present when there are intermittent rewards which is why the abuse cycle is so hard to escape. Our biology and brain have become addicted and will do anything to keep chasing the rewards. These moments of attention, sex and affection in the face of deep pain and rejection.
Stepping away from the Abuse Cycle
The abuse cycle is very difficult to step away from as it can be hard to identify when one is living it. This is due to the fact that victims begin to ignore or second guess their gut instinct. It is often so subtle that they can sleepwalk into the seduction of the abuser’s sporadic acts of kindness. “Well he did buy me flowers last month”. The victim will see these small acts as positive traits and sympathise with them. Perhaps creating excuses for their neglect such as attributing it to a troubled past or stress at work.
Victims often see the small act of kindness as evidence that their loved one can change. They hold onto hope that one day the relationship will get better, as sometimes their partner ‘can be kind’. Many times victims have already invested years of love, time and energy into the relationship. However, they live slumped into accepting their partner’s script about who they are. The “honeymoon” moments only last for short periods before they are coerced once again into a cycle of rejection, and self-doubt.
Ready to escape and/or recover? Explore how I can help you be part of your recovery and take the first step towards reclaiming your well-being. Contact me at info@katemunden.com or arrange a low cost 30-minute consultation HERE
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