Narcissistic Personality Disorder

On 27/06/2020

How do I know if my partner, or someone close to me is a narcissisist?

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

In our media obsessed world traits of narcissism are not unusual in the general population. You may have a partner, family member, friend or co-worker who has an exaggerated sense of self-worth and self-importance, experiences fantasies about being important or famous, or craves admiration and appreciation. Narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum with a level of healthy narcissism being important to help us appreciate our accomplishments and experience joy when we work hard and achieve. While your partner or another important person in your life may have some narcissistic traits, in terms of clinical mental health, they need to meet specific criteria (below) to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) causes people to have an overgrown sense of self-entitlement, self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, and a deep-set need to be noticed, loved, and admired. Like all personality disorders, the severity of this differs from person to person. Those at the high end of the spectrum often go unnoticed or misinterpreted as simply being very charming, unfeeling, egotistical, or even an extrovert.

Those with NPD traits can wreak havoc in relationships with friends, family members, and co-workers. They often undervalue other people in their lives and are happiest in unbalanced relationships with people that they consider to be ‘supply’. For the Narcissist, the ‘supply’ is there to feed their need to be adored, cared for in all ways and admired.

What Causes Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

It’s unclear what actually causes a person to develop NPD (or highly narcissistic traits). It’s likely, however, that it is linked to a combination of upbringing (parenting styles that are either overly critical or excessively affectionate and praising), inherited genetics, or simply neurobiology (the connection between the brain and the thinking or actions of the person). It usually appears in early adulthood, and is more prevelent (75%) in men and certain demographics (e.g.the military)

What are the Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Some notable signs of NPD may include:

Feeling as though they should be recognised for being the best, even when they’ve not done anything to deserve it
Feeling as though they should get special treatment – again, often when it’s not warranted
A consistent lack of ability or an unwillingness to recognise the feelings of others
Depression when they feel they fail or fall short of perfection
Feelings of shame, humiliation and general over-sensitivity when receiving comments about themselves
A habit of belittling the success of others in order to make themselves look better
Anger if they do not receive any special attention or treatment to which they may feel entitled
A belief that they’re superior to others and should only mix with similarly superior people
Envy of others and the belief that others are envious of them too
A tendency to fantasise about fame, fortune, and other grandiose achievements
Behavior that may come across as arrogant or haughty
Unable or unwilling to handle criticism in any form – often arguing back or ignoring it entirely
They often have significant problems adapting to change, and can react with anger or rage when confronted with new and uncomfortable situations.
As with any mental health issue, there is no black and white prototype for someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as every person differs. But the points mentioned above should give a good general idea of how to identify such an issue.

Covert Narcissism

This is often much harder to identify and work at a slower pace and has a demeanour of self-loathing rather than grandiosity. They will study targets to find the most powerful ways to cause a painful reaction.

Often this is delivered as passive aggression – claiming kindness and love and doing the opposite.

The covert narcissist is often subtle, intelligent and extremely manipulative. Whilst the covert narcissist will feel they are special, they are often the ‘victim’ of life. They are extremely careful to hide their true nature.

Maintaining their mask of acceptability is the most important thing to them. They only unmask privately (or sometimes never) to the chosen ‘supply’.

Neglect is often a core part of the devaluing cycle with devastating outcomes.

How to Identify a Narcissist?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder can often go undiagnosed. What makes this disorder even more tricky is that it tends to come with a notable lack of self-awareness. The ‘supply’ (partner, family member, child) can get caught up in trying to please or heal them. “If I love them enough, support them enough, they will change”. This can become a never-ending, and exhausting cycle for the ‘supply’.

Those with NPD are unlikely to admit that there is a problem, perhaps only hearing from others that they are difficult to be around, which they will take as deep insults to their character, react with explosive narcissistic rage and ignore.

Most with NPD or high narcissistic traits do not seek treatment as they are unable to see the disorder in themselves, the harm they cause or have any empathy for others they hurt. For any human to change their behaviour, they have to be open to exploring their insecurities and want to change.

If you or someone you love is demonstrating any of the symptoms of NPD, it’s always worth consulting a mental health professional or a survivor of NPD abuse to seek another opinion.

Often it is only those who have experienced NPD behaviour who will truly understand.

Simple Warning Signs to look out for:

The early stages of the relationship moves very fast
They like everything you like – so much in common!
They claim you are soul mates
Overly attentive – loved bombing in the early days. This is very seductive and addictive to experience.
The ex-partner is ‘crazy’
A strong sob story about their past/life in general

Some examples of passive-aggressive behaviour:

You are excited and happy about a work promotion. They don’t respond or say ‘well done’ in a flat unhappy voice
It’s your birthday night out. They are clearly bored, distracted and disengaged
You have a new outfit, you look great and send them a picture. They ignore your text
They say something cruel and critical – then say it was only a joke

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that involves making someone question their own sanity or perception of reality. It is a tactic used to gain power and control over someone else by making them doubt their own thoughts, memories, and perceptions of events.

The term “gaslighting” originated from a 1938 play called “Gas Light,” in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing that she is losing her mind by dimming the gas lights in their home and then denying that they have changed. In a similar manner, gaslighting involves a series of tactics that are designed to confuse, undermine, and ultimately control the victim.

These tactics may include lying, denying, trivializing, and blaming the victim for things that are not their fault. The gaslighter may also use tactics such as isolating the victim from friends and family, using emotional abuse, and playing mind games.

Gaslighting can be difficult to recognise, as it often happens gradually over time. It can have a profound impact on the victim’s mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being. If you suspect that you are being gaslighted, it is important to seek support from a trusted friend or professional, and to take steps to protect yourself from further emotional harm.

For many, in a relationship with a narcissist the first, and challenging step,

is to acknowledge that something is wrong.

Often the word ‘abuse’ is too shameful to admit, or is something that only happens to ‘other people’.

It is a common misconception that ‘weak’ people are targeted by narcissists. It is often the reverse, and nothing to do with weakness of character, lack of intelligence or spirit. Strong, kind, confident and intelligent people with dynamic lives and plenty of friends are often the perfect ‘target’ for a narcissist.

I Can Help

If this is your story and you would like to get in touch to discuss your needs or to understand more about emotional abuse, please get in touch for a free 30-minute consultation

“I went to see Kate to get some help to understand why I was experiencing some unhelpful and negative feelings and to explore a particularly difficult part of my past that has been haunting me for some years.

This was not an easy thing to do but Kate helped me to feel immediately at ease and I was really pleased at how quickly we started to address some of these issues. She creates a safe and non-judgemental environment and gently asks the right questions so that I was able to unpick and better understand why I was feeling the things I was and to understand them in a different way.“

“I felt sceptical that I would achieve my aim of feeling more positive about the difficulties I had encountered. However after just one session, I started to feel better, and by the penultimate session, I felt like I had completely resolved my issue.

This marked the start of a ripple effect, with other aspects of my life starting to move forward in a more positive way. So the benefits have not just been about resolving the trauma and negativity it has also led me to enjoy the positive impact on my life and work in the present and feeling ready to move towards to a more positive future.”

This was not an easy thing to do but Kate helped me to feel immediately at ease and I was really pleased with how quickly we started to address some of these issues. She creates a safe and non-judgemental environment and gently asks the right questions so that I was able to unpick and better understand why I was feeling the things I was and to understand them in a different way.!“

Kate Munden

Kate is a trauma and embodiment specialist. She is a TRE & EFT Supervising Mentor and is on the Executive Board of EFT International (formerly AAMET) and is a Comprehensive Energy Psychology Practitioner, DipPsych, Master Hypnotist, Master Practitioner of NLP and Time Line Therapy (accredited by the ABNLP) and has been an intuitive body & energy worker for 30 years. While she works with any problem state she specialises in the sensitive areas of Post Traumatic Stress, emotional abuse, chronic pain and anxiety.

← How do I know my partner is a narcissist? 3 Key Narcissist Warning Signs What is Covert Narcissism? →