A partner spends the weekend criticising you, then brings home flowers after work on Monday. Or they ignore you all week, only to compliment your actions on Friday.
These are some of the confusing and exhausting techniques used by narcissists to control and manipulate partners. Over time this can keep the victim bonded to the perpetrator and addicted to a painful and toxic narcissistic relationships, thus narcissistic relationships so addictive.
This ‘hot and cold relationship style’ is the powerful technique called Intermittent Reinforcement
Psychologist B.F. Skinner’s research in the 1950s revealed something surprising about behaviour: we’re more driven by unpredictable rewards than consistent ones.
In his experiments, rats were trained to press a lever for food. When the food came every time, they pressed steadily. When the food stopped coming altogether, they eventually gave up. But when the rewards were random—sometimes a pellet, sometimes nothing—the rats became obsessed. They pressed the lever far more often, even ignoring their basic needs. The uncertainty made them try harder.
This is called intermittent reinforcement, and it’s the most addictive form of reward.
In toxic relationships, this pattern plays out emotionally. You don’t know when the next compliment, kind gesture, or moment of connection will come. Most of the time, you’re ignored, criticised, or walking on eggshells. But every so often, you’re given affection, attention—or even just a breadcrumb of hope.
That unpredictability is what hooks you.
You may find yourself chasing the “good times” (often love bombing in the beginning), desperate to get them back. The rare moments of kindness feel like relief after suffering—so they hit harder. And the more inconsistent the reward, the more you keep trying, just like Skinner’s rats.
This isn’t weakness.
It’s brain chemistry.
It’s survival strategy turned into a trap.
How Intermittent Reinforcement Makes the Abuse Cycle Difficult to Leave
When your partner is cruel to you, you naturally want things to return to how things were when they were “good.” If they were always mean to you, you wouldn’t ever be happy. You would likely want to end the relationship.
However, when the bouts of anger and insults are interrupted by flowers, jewellery, and positive comments, they feel like such a relief. You’ll do almost anything to bring those happy moments back. That means you are hooked into stay in the relationship despite the fact that it’s emotionally abusive and causing immense emotional pain.
You might not even realise that you’re in a toxic relationship.
You might just think of these moments as “fights” and long to go back to the “honeymoon phase” where everything was good. This is because your brain wants the “reward” that might be coming.
Our brains actually become addicted to chasing the rewards. It’s a similar feeling to being at a casino. Your chances of winning are quite low, but you feel so good when you actually win big that you keep playing – and losing – in search of this feeling.
In fact, brain scans show that those who are in an abuse cycle in a toxic relationship are similar to those who have cocaine addictions.
Intermittent Reinforcement and Addiction Are Linked
Dopamine is a type of neurotransmitter and hormone that plays a role in the brain’s reward system, helping us feel pleasure. It is more present when we receive intermittent rewards. This leaves us in a spot where we become addicted to these rewards and the feelings we get when we receive them. We keep chasing this “high” even when we face pain and rejection the rest of the time.
The targets of this type of manipulation often try to rationalise bad behaviour when there are sporadic acts of kindness. If your partner buys you flowers or takes you out to a nice dinner, you might tell yourself that they were mean or cruel last week because of they were stressed out from work, or tired, or they had a rough childhood or any number of other excuses.
This is a natural, human reaction, that with a reasonable partner would be appropriate. A reasonable partner would apologise be accountable for their behaviour and endeavour to change.
Many people might even see the positive acts as evidence that the partner can be kind and caring. They use this as hope that one day things will get better or the person will change. Unfortunately, these positive moments only last a short time before they’re once again replaced by neglect, cruelty and emotional pain.
How can you break the cycle of addiction?
The good news? Once you see the pattern, you can start to step out of it—and rebuild your nervous system’s ability to recognise and choose genuine, safe connection instead.
Understanding the chemistry of trauma bonding is the first step—but awareness alone isn’t enough to create change. What truly breaks the cycle is retraining your nervous system to respond to real safety, not familiar chaos.
Here’s where to start:
- Support your body. Tools like Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) and Heart Assisted Tapping help you release the survival energy that keeps you bonded to danger.
- Interrupt the pattern. Notice when you feel the addictive pull—then pause, breathe, and ground. You’re not being irrational; your system is looping through old survival strategies.
- Let safety feel unfamiliar. At first, peace might feel empty. But in time, your body will learn that calm is not boring—it’s freedom.
If you’re ready to step out of the pattern, you don’t have to do it alone.
Explore 1:1 support with me or access my free EFT Beginners Guide for self care:
👉 7 Days to Tapping Genius
You deserve love that doesn’t hurt.
And your nervous system is ready to relearn what safety really feels like.
For a 30 minutes discovery call contact info@katemunden.com
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