TRE®, people pleasing and finding room for an honest answer.
A French colleague once told me about being expected to kiss relatives when she was a child. It was the custom: this was how you greeted your family.
But sometimes she didn’t want to. They were relatives, yet to her some felt like strangers. The closeness could feel overwhelming. There was an expectation to step forward and offer a kiss, whatever she was feeling.
Then one relative did something different, they asked whether she wanted a kiss—and made it clear that saying no was okay.
She described an enormous sense of liberation and safety. Her reluctance could be heard without becoming a problem. She could have a say in how they greeted one another. That moment, giving that permission, stayed with her.
Many of us grew up with some version of “Give grandma a hug” or “Go on, don’t be rude.” The adults may have understood these moments as teaching manners or expressing affection. But we may also have learnt to put aside our discomfort to keep someone else happy. My colleague’s story offers another possibility: affection and important connection with room for an honest answer.
If I never use my no, what power does my yes have?
People pleasing: when keeping the peace becomes automatic
Years later, the situations become more complex. A friend wants to stay longer. You are exhausted, but you put the kettle on again.
A lover reaches for you. You welcome the affection but would like a different pace. You hesitate because you don’t want them to feel rejected. You might call this people pleasing. Sometimes you notice yourself doing it. Sometimes your discomfort only becomes clear afterwards. Being considerate matters to you. The difficulty comes when there is so little room for your own experience that agreeing becomes automatic.
For some people, keeping others comfortable has also been a way of preserving connection or avoiding conflict. In my TRE® work, I consider whether appeasement—a survival response—may be part of that pattern.
The question “If I never use my no, what power does my yes have?” asks how much freedom there is within these moments. Can I pause? Can I want something different? Can I remain close to you while allowing you to know that?
When you have shared more than you wanted to
Someone asks a personal question, and you answer before you have quite decided whether you want to. I have done this many times, I want to be honest as I move through the world. I want to connect. Afterwards, I have felt awkward and exposed. This person now knows something personal about me, and I’m not sure they can safely hold it. I wish I had paused before sharing it.
Sometimes what hurts is how they receive it. Something tender in my life becomes a curiosity in the conversation. They may move on lightly, while I am left feeling invaded by an exchange I participated in before I had checked what felt okay for me.
It can take time to recognise that being asked does not oblige me to answer. I can pause. I can decide how much to share, and with whom. I can say, “That’s quite personal,” or simply, “I’d rather keep that to myself.”
People pleasing can make that pause difficult. We feel the pull to keep the conversation comfortable, even when the answer takes us somewhere we would rather not go. Our boundaries include our stories: who we share them with, how much we offer and whether we feel ready. Learning to notice our hesitation gives us a chance to choose.
Finding your own answer through TRE®
TRE® (Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercises) is a somatic, or body-based, practice. Through a series of exercises, we invite the body’s natural shaking or tremoring response. Alongside that movement, we learn to meet the body with safety and listen to our internal cues: what feels comfortable, what feels too much, when we want to continue and when we need to pause.
For someone used to people pleasing, this can be unfamiliar territory. We may be very practised at noticing what another person wants, yet struggle to recognise our own preferences. In TRE® practice, we make room for those preferences to emerge—and for someone to hear and respect them.
When I ask a client where they would like me to sit, I often hear, “Wherever you like.”
We pause. I invite them to notice whether one position feels different from another. There is time to be uncertain, try an adjustment and change their mind. For some clients, recognising their own preferences takes months. Someone accustomed to attending to other people may need repeated opportunities to consult themselves.
We do not demand an unmistakable signal from the body. Sensations can be mixed or difficult to interpret. “I’m not sure yet” gives us somewhere to begin, with room to pause. Then their answer needs to matter. If they would prefer me further away, I move, the client is always right. They do not have to persuade me that their discomfort is reasonable. I remain present and connected without making the client feel ‘wrong’.
For someone used to people pleasing, this can be a significant experience: expressing a preference and discovering that the connection can accommodate it.
Boundaries in relationships: what happens when I say no?
Knowing what you want and telling someone are different experiences. You may want your friend to leave and still worry about appearing unkind. You may want different touch while your attention is occupied with your lover’s enjoyment. A partner or friend can feel disappointed and still respect your answer. They may need a moment to adjust. What matters is whether your preference has room without repeated persuasion, punishment or pressure to take it back.
People pleasing can make another person’s disappointment feel like something you must immediately repair. You might offer a long explanation, apologise repeatedly or agree after all. There is room to care about their feelings while allowing your answer to remain.
In a TRE® session, the provider has a particular responsibility to make speaking possible. A client should not have to produce a perfectly confident no before hesitation receives attention. We develop that responsiveness through attunement and co-regulation in TRE® training: learning to receive information that changes what we were about to do.
A yes can include generosity
There is pleasure in doing something for someone you love. You may freely offer something because it matters to them, or feel curious about an experience without knowing whether you will enjoy it.
Those choices deserve room too. Every accommodation is not a problem. The question is whether you remain included. Can you notice your limits, ask for an adjustment or stop? Are you comfortable offering this, or trying to prevent a reaction you feel responsible for managing?
You can also learn something afterwards: “I thought I would enjoy that, but I would prefer something different next time.” A relationship needs room for that discovery. You do not have to understand every preference in advance.
A clearer no. A more wholehearted yes.
Learning to move beyond people pleasing also makes room for desire.
“I would like you closer.” “Could we slow down?” “I enjoy this. Can we stay here for a while?”
These are ways of allowing someone to know you. A preference that remains unspoken is something the other person may never have the chance to meet. Through my own TRE® journey, I have become more able to recognise and communicate what supports me in intimacy. My need to see a lover’s face and hear their voice is one example. Naming it gives my lover information about how to be with me. This takes time. Having difficulty saying no does not make you responsible for someone else disregarding your comfort or limits. The person with you also has a responsibility to listen and respond.
The question running through this article is an invitation to notice how much room you have in your relationships? Can your ‘no’ be heard? Can uncertainty be given time? Can your yes express affection, curiosity, generosity and pleasure while still including you?
This is the fourth article in my series on TRE® and intimacy. Next, I will explore pelvic movement, sensation and sexual pleasure.
If you would like support in developing your own practice, you can learn about TRE® sessions with me. For professional development, explore the TRE® provider training pathway.
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